Sigh. So, here I am, right back where I started this whole thing -- being pressured and coerced into something I don't want to do. Y'see, there's this self-growth/discovery/psychobabble bullshit thing that a large number of my family members have been through, including my Beloved, and there's another set of sessions coming up and here they are again, calling and pushing and prodding. I wouldn't mind a bit if they *told* me about it -- I see some good and positive things that have happened in their lives as a result of doing this thing (which I'm not going to name, for reasons of libel/slander avoidance), but it's way way way beyond that. I tell them, "I'm not sure this is what I want to do." I say, "I have other responsibilities right now and can't give up a weekend and 2 weeks later 5 days and a week after that another weekend." I let them know, "I've managed for the first time in my life to set some boundaries (which is, by the way, one of the big things that at least one of the folks who's been through this has gained - the ability to set boundaries) and lay claim to ME, to figure out how to be ME, who I really am and not what some group of people think I should be, and I really don't want to give that up."
Do they listen? No. Do they hear what I'm saying? Though one says repeatedly, "What I hear you saying is ...." No. Do they fucking RESPECT me enough to share their experiences and then BACK OFF when I ask them to? Are you kidding me? Of course they don't. "Well, this could really help you." "You have all the support you need to go through this tough process." "It could help you understand yourself better." "We can work things out so that PT is taken care of for you while you go."
I've tried, really tried, to explain to them, even when it's uncomfortable to do so, that this whole thing they're doing is just rubbing my nose repeatedly in the biggest hurt in my life -- that my Beloved shares the good and wonderful and fun and joyous parts of himself with everyone else and shuts me out. You see, he can't talk about this process thing - they're not allowed to. I get some of that - if he told me things about the process itself, it would telegraph what's coming should I decide to go and lessen the effectiveness. I totally get that bit -- hell, I should; I have a fucking degree in Sociology and damn near enough psych for a minor in it, plus years of training as a counselor myself. No problem there. What is a problem is that he won't even talk to me about what changes he feels it's made in his life. I see some of them and at some point would like to know what it was that helped him get there, but mostly since he went through this, I just want to know what I've always wanted to know - what he thinks and how he feels. And that's what's being denied me. Again. I see glimpses of the things in him that I fell in love with all those years ago, like getting to peek through a tiny slit in the blinds from the outside, shivering in the snow, seeing a party going on inside - people laughing and talking and having a good time - and knowing that if I knock on the door, everything will be instantly shoved under the couch and silence will drape like a pall over everything. I mean, really, people. I have damn near 40 people coming up to me and all saying, "Your husband is an amazing (that's their big buzzword, "amazing" and when they say it, you can hear the italics) man," like I might not have noticed. Strangers. Complete and total strangers, with whom the man I have loved for more than 40 years will share himself freely, but won't tell me even something as simple as "I feel freer."
It's always - or nearly so - been that way. He's been the golden boy (and to be honest about it, has usually taken my ideas and my words and mouthed them as his and so be hailed as said golden boy) and I've been the "go away, kid, you bother me" that has to be somewhat tolerated in order for everyone to bask in his presence. It was that way when we started the spiritualist thing; that way when we were rabid church-goers; that way at work (we worked at the same company and in the same career field). And none of these people get why it bothers me.
And so, here it is AGAIN. Coming from people who say they only want the best for me, want me to discover how to be the best me I can be. Yeah, well, one of them means it, I think. Not my Beloved. Another person, one who probably truly does want that -- but she still pushes. Insists that I become me *their* way. Why can they not see what they're doing? If this process is the great and wondrous Answer To the Ultimate Questions thing they proclaim it as, gives them such "amazing" insight, why don't they have insight into the fact -- and I've actually TOLD them this, not expecting them to intuit it -- that they are doing precisely what everyone else has done to me: pushed, coerced, pressured until I just give fucking UP already and be what it is they expect me to be???
So, here it is again. I had set boundaries. I had begun to explore the real me, who I really am. And all that is going to be ripped away and trampled on without even the slightest hint of caring or even acknowledging that's what they're doing, so that I put on the costume they want me to wear. I am so goddamned TIRED of this. Is it really so fucking much to ask of people who proclaim that they only want the best me I can be, that they just LET ME BE THAT?????
Apparently so. I am far too tired to fight this one. My physical energies are being used up trying to manage shifting gears and getting moved and settled. And don't even ask about my emotional energies. I don't even know what that is anymore. And now, I'm going to have to make several long trips back and forth to do this thing, spend a couple of thousand dollars - yup, it costs that much to go through this program - all to be made over into someone else's image of who I should be.
And people wonder why I don't think the universe is a very good place for me.
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